There he was waering Armani on sunday!

[ as i watched people leaving church, i was amazed at how they looked. Valentino, Escada, Oscar de la renta. what is it about God and fashion that go so well together?

and suddenly, there he was wearing Armani on sunday: Mr. Big! i admit it was kind of a shock. up until the moment, i thought he only believed in the Yankees!?!]

Hello there, Church goer!

hey, what are you doing here?

Reaserch! i'm doing a column on closet presbyterians. you know any?

Actually, i'm an athesit, but don't tell the minister!

Who's the mystery woman?

My mother! i take her to church every sunday!

Really?! i'm so loving that. how come you never told me?!

Well, you write every sunday, so ...

So, every sunday ... church!

Right! I've got 20 minutes before my racquetball game. why don't we have coffee?

I can't. i'm on deadline and this cappuccino just kicked in, so ...

So?

Bye!

God bless!

[ I was one of those awkward relationship moments where you feel like you know nothing about that person you thought you knew everything about! ]

Oh, hell! we can do better than that!

[ Saturday night's dinner came and went with no call from Big. my life was suddenly shit ... but my cabinets were looking fabulous.]

Who is it?

Me!

Surprise!

Yeah!

Wow! what's all this?

I'm painting.

I can see that.

Why didn't you call?

Why didn't you call? so, this is where you live! about time you invited me up?!

I didn't invite you!

I know. it's nice, very nice!

No, it's not. it's a mess. the floors need to be stripped and the curtains are ... i want to change a lot of it.

I don't know. i like it. i like it the way it is. what was that all about the other night?

That was me ... having a meltdown!

Ok. nice paint. egg shell?

Yes.

Did you know there's a couple humping outside of your window?

Really? oh, i never noticed.

[ All i could think was why aren't we having sex? is this normal? what's wrong? wjere are we going?]

Oh, hell. we can do better than that!

[ And then, he kissed me! odd how normal can sometimes feel so uncomfortable!?!]

Maybe i'm not perfect!

[ I showed up at this apartment feeling sexy and confident. wearing my secret- waepon skirt that reaaly hugged my hips. i was ready to go. he didn't have a prayer!]

Very nice! come on in. i'm watching the fight!

Come on ! let me watch this! Jesus carrie! come on! would you knock it the fuck off? i'm trying to watch this fight!

Fine! i'll leave!

What is wrong with you? why are you acting so nuts?

Maybe i'm not perfect! maybe i don't fit into your perfect life, with your perfect apartment and your perfect-pay-per-view fight! maybe i should leave!?!

[ I stood there and waited for the obligatory... he's-coming-to-stop-me ten secenods. he didn't!]

you mind if we just call it a night?!

You know ... you know what? i'm exhausted. you mind if we just call it a night? okay?

Sure!

Good night!

Good night!

[ That was the first night we slept together and didn't make love!]

Romance gives way to reality!

[ The day, i realized how childish i was behaving. i decided to stop avoiding the situation and take the grown-up approch, complete and utter denial.]

I saw the Met is opening a new Goya exhibit. Do you want to go this saturday?

Sure! Could you get me some more duck sauce, please?!

I most certainly can! oh, and we have to stop and see the Renoirs. i love the Renoirs!

Ok!

[ There's a moment in every relationship whare romance gives way to reality!]

I think it might be worse under there!

Was that you?

Oh, My god! oh, my god! Oh, my god!

I think it might be worse under there!

Shut Up!

[ I hadn't dressed so quickly since the time i was caught in the boy's dorm sophomore year!]

Wait! don't you want some coffee?

Oh, gosh! i'm late for a thing!

[ Oh, My god! i was mortified!]

It was the way i'd always dreamed it could be!

After sleeping together for many weeks Mr. Big and i had gotten comfortable enough to really sleep together.

It was nice!

It was the way i'd always dreamed it could be!

We love our nuts!

[New York city is all about sex!

people getting it!

people trying to get it!

and people who can't get it!

it's too busy trying to get laid.

but if you ever actually do manage to get someone in bed, the real fun begins!]

That's the kind with nuts in it.

We love our nuts!

It's better! definitly has possibilities!

[ That night at diiner, i knew i would have to break the news to Mr. Big!]

What do you think?

I do want to get married someday, i mean, maybe not today, but i don't want ... i can't date somebody that won't! what's the point?

Definitely too much salt! i mean, it's all in timing! you gotta brown the garlic, before you put in the onions, know what i mean? i thought we were having fun?!

It's better! definitely has possibilities!

You have a little bit of sauce on the lip .. right there!

[ My zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future! of course, he died penniless and single!!]

I guess you're get it all figured out, Mrs. Blatch!

What's that smile about?

Oh, i got a marriage proposal last night!

Really? from who?

A very handsome witty young man about to come into his inheritance!

Oh, i see! anyone i know?

Actually his name is stanford. stanford blatch!

I thougth he was gay!?

He is!

That sound make for an interesting column.what are you gonna do about sex?

I have you!

I guess you're get it all figured out, Mrs. Blatch!

[ the more he mocked me, the more i be came convinced the this idea was genius!]

Now you are just a fool!

Hey, did i wake you?

Not at all!

Question! Why do people get married if they're not in love?

I don't know! comanionship! guilt! political asylum!?

Why did you get married?

I was a fool in love!

That is so sweet!

and then i was a fool in divorce court!

Now you're just a fool!

Exactly! which is why i'm never getting married again!

[Suddenly, i had to concentrate on breating!]

Are you in bed with someone?

No! are you?

Just three slices of wedding cake! you jealous?

That depends! what are your plans for the frosting?

Good night!

Good night!

[ I hung up the phone wondering could i date a man who would never get married?]